Category Archives: Personal
January 12, 2011 Defining Love
Love. It’s a word that is often bandied about. Sometimes we say it too much and sometimes we don’t say it enough. There are those people who can’t wait to fall in love and live for the day when they will find that perfect someone. Then there are those who will do anything to avoid falling in love.
Everyone has their own belief and definition of love. The truth is while love is often defined as how we feel, it also defines us. It shows people who we really are, what we believe in and what we feel. It can be summed up with just one word. Nor should it be.
My own definition of love is pretty simple:
Love is when you feel pain at the sight of your lover hurt, whether it’s physically or emotionally. All you know is that you want to comfort them, and soothe all their pain away.
Love is when you would walk through hell on earth to get to them.
It’s when you’re standing in the pouring rain, wrapped up in each other’s arms, and not even aware that it’s raining.
It’s when ever after years together his kisses still leave you breathless.
It’s when big monumental efforts don’t mean as much as the little things that he does for you like making you coffee in the morning because he knows you can’t function with out.
It’s when every word, and every action can cut that little bit deeper when you fight.
When you would do everything in your power to hold them that one last time, and when you know the letting go, while even harder, is the right thing to do.
It’s staying up all night long talking about anything and everything, without realising that time has slipped from night into day.
It’s being able to say everything without words, and only the slightest of touches.
Love is when every breath he takes becomes your breath, every heartbreak becomes your heartbreak, every tear your tear.
It’s making love all night, and when you don’t have to make love all night to prove that you love each other or even want each other.
It’s walking hand in hand on the beach on a warm summer’s night, and not needing words to enjoy each other’s company.
It’s hugging them just when they need that one hug, or two.
It’s listening to them when they just need to talk, and to get that angst out.
It’s cancelling plans with your friends because they need you with them tonight.
It’s looking at them one day and realising that you no longer notice the bad things about them because their good outweighs everything.
It’s cold kisses on hot summer nights.
Love is travelling halfway around the world to be with them, even if it means only sharing a few hours together before you have to leave again.
It’s waking up one morning and realising that you no longer have those fuzzy feelings for an ex.
It’s feeling at peace with yourself because you feel truly blessed to be with that special someone.
It’s accepting his family without questions, and his accepting yours without questions.
It’s accepting his friends, even the ones who joke how bad you are for each other.
It’s not listening to those friends of his or your own, who are forever trying to break you up or tell you that you can both do better.
Love is just being able to hold each other close and share each other’s grief after you have miscarried the child you both hadn’t been ready for, and didn’t realise how desperately you wanted until you’d lost it.
It’s when you can use your partner’s body to warm your frozen feet without his complaints.
It’s when just a smile from your loved one is the sunshine through your darkest day.
It’s weathering the storm, and knowing as soon as you see your special someone that you’re going to be okay.
It’s support. It’s constantly being told when you are in doubt of your own worth that you are truly beautiful.
It’s someone telling you they’d love you no matter what size you are, despite the fact you suspect they’re lying.
It’s not words read out aloud, not poetry, written songs or flowery words but honest words that come straight from the heart.
It’s being able to honestly tell that special someone exactly what you thought of them the first time you met them.
It’s the feeling of struck lightning from the very first moment.
It’s connecting with someone, and feeling like you have known them for a lifetime, and wanting to know them for another lifetime.
Love is being completely oblivious to your surroundings, and not caring where you are as long as you’re together.
It’s defending your partner against anything that comes his way, and fighting side by side with them.
It’s heroes allowing heroines to sweep them off their feet.
It’s the knowledge you would die for them.
It’s realising you want to spend the rest of your life with them.
It’s when you know despite the arguments, despite the tears and fears, you’d fight hell to hold them.
Love is when forever isn’t long enough.
Tags: love, reflections, relationships, romance
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- Posted under Personal, ponderings, The Muse Speaks
January 8, 2011 The Bucket List
I’m a huge fan of The Bucket List I love the film and the whole concept of making a list of everything that you want to do before you kick the bucket, so to speak. I watched the film again last night and it got me thinking about all the things I want to do before I die. So, I decided to write my own list.
Anyone who knows me knows lists are not a hard feat for me. In fact, I thrive on them. I’m that sort of person. Some call it anal retentive. I call it organised. Sittng down today, chewing on my pen, (a bad habit that can be quite disgusting especially when the pen leaks) it struck me that it’s not that easy a list to make.
In deciding what you want to do before you kick the bucket, do you write all the girly things most girls dream about? To meet Prince Charming, get swept off your feet for the perfect white wedding, have the 2.5 children and the white picket fence? Or go for something a little more adventurous?
Personally, I was never a big fan of Prince Charming so opted to cross marriage from the list. It was quite easy to do – surprisingly easy, in fact. Maybe it’s because I never wanted to grow up, get married and raise a family. I applaud all those girls who dream this, but that’s not my dream. Actually I was quite the opposite. I didn’t want to get married and be the perfect little wife. I didn’t want a big wedding. I didn’t want a parcel of kids and to be the soccer mom that my mom constantly wishes I will become.
My main reason for omitting marriage and kids from the list is this: Marriage should not be on any list let alone a bucket list. If it’s going to happen then it’s going to happen to you and if it doesn’t then you’ll survive it. The same can be said for kids.
So, I bet you’re wondering what the hell does a girl like me put on my bucket list?
To Get Published
This means more to me than anything in this whole world. I’ve been published before. I’ve written feature articles, reviews and interviewed musicians for magazines all over the world – including Brazil, Australia and the United States. I’ve been published for my photography – it’s been in coffee table books and in Canadian Magazines. That’s not the kind of published I mean. I want to be a published author. As in a best-selling novelist who has more than one book inside of her and wows people with her literary brilliance.
I dream of getting published like some girls dream of white weddings. I know it’s going to happen someday, it’s just a matter of when. As I’m getting closer and closer to finishing ‘Nowhere to Run’, it’s beginning to dawn on me that this could possibly happen. And, it terrifies me, but I guess it is one thing that I can cross off my list.
Move Overseas
Ok, I guess I have an unfair advantage. I’ve done this already. The truth is – this one kind of goes hand in hand with the top one. My main aim is to get published within the United States, which of course means moving over there. I love the United States. In fact, I have more of an affiliation with it than I do my own birth country. I’ve never known what the connection was but maybe it was cemented by the fact I fell in love for the first time in California. Some of my first experiences happened there and they’ve stayed with me.
It just seems like a sane and normal decision to move over there, especially when my novels are set there. Nowhere to Run is set in Los Angeles and the second in the series is to be set in New Orleans. The third of the series will be in Texas and the fourth in New York. You get the gist of it but this means I plan on spending a lot of time in those states and cities working on the novels.
I’m not going to deny that part of the appeal comes from spending as little time as possible with my family. Don’t get me wrong. I love my family. I just love them so much more when they’re millions of miles away. This is another one I plan on ticking off either this year or next year. It may not happen straight away but it will happen.
Get Inked
I love tattoos. I love the designs, the colors and the symbolism behind them all. If you asked anyone a reason for their tatto, more often than not there is a cute little story that can be shared. For example, a friend of mine has the word darkness tattooed on her foot. She got darkness because she believes the word reflects her and is acknowledging that there is a little bit of darkness within her. I love the fact she is bold enough to go ahead and say it, knowing people will often look and wonder what the hell it means. She either explains why she chose darkness or lets them surmise it for themselves. The tattoo lends a little mystery in some respects.
I’m still trying to decide what to get, but I’ve decided where I want it. I want it either on my shoulder or on my lower back. I’m just not sure what yet and have been deliberating on a few things. I already have a fairy under a toadstool and some initials on my body.
The first tattoo was a drunken mistake but I don’t regret it and it’s one my parents still don’t know about. I’d like to keep it that way. The second tattoo was my ode to my first love of my life. No, not rock n roll although I have thought about getting a musical note but maybe that will be the next one.
The thing about tattoos is that you need to really be clear about what you want because you are stuck with them for life. One rash decision and you’re stuck with a butterfly on your ass for life or even worse an ex girlfriend’s name that has to be changed to wino – a term not exactly complimentary in any way.
The Valley of Kings
I love Egypt or, as it would happen, Egyptian History. The tales of Cleopatra and the Egyptian Kings such as Ramses or Tutankhamen have always fascinated me. I can’t explain it, but it’s almost as fascinating to me as Henry the VIII is. In fact, I love most history, but to me Egyptian is riveting.
One of my biggest dreams is to visit the Valley of Kings- not just because it is enriched with Egyptian History but because it is an archaeological wonder. This is a site that for 500 years has held the tombs of some of the Greatest Egyptian Kings and Queens of all time.
I love travelling of any sort and find Europe so amazingly beautiful because it is so enriched with history and marks of the old world but Egypt is it for me. I want to immerse myself in the history, the religion and experience it all. So the Valley of Kings is on my To Do List.
To obtain and maintain the perfect body
Anyone who knows me knows that I am obsessed with the body beautiful or my desire to have the perfect body.
I know that this is a New Year’s Resolution to that most people blurt out in a moment of haste and instantly forget as soon as they’re reaching for the remote control and the last piece of fried chicken. Not me. I actually hate New Year Resolutions but this year decided if I was going to get anywhere, I was going to need to suck it up and make them. So, I’ve decided to drop the 9 kilos I want to lose (18 pounds for those who refuse to switch metric systems like everyone else) and tone up to have a killer body.
I used to have a wee eating issue about 4 years ago called Anorexia. It’s one of those issues that never leaves you completely but you learn to live with it and sometimes you get fat, freak out and lose it again only to start the cycle again.
Either way, I’ve decided one of the things I want to achieve before I pass on and say goodbye to this bad-ass world is to have a body that even I would be proud of.
The Kokoda Trail
Call me crazy but one of my biggest aspirations is to trek the Kokoda trail. Yes, I know while some of you may think that this is 98kms of pure hell, but to me it would be a trek of a lifetime.
Firstly, photographically it would be awe-inspiring. My shutter finger is almost trembling with anticipation of the breathtaking shots that would be taken.
Secondly- it is a walk through history. For those who don’t know their Australian history, a series of battles were fought between the Australian and Japanese forces on the track. It’s a tourist hot spot for Australians, and each year thousands make the pilgrimage.
Thirdly- the physical and mental endurance would be a challenge that no fitness freak could resist. It can take between 4 days to 12 to complete but I’m sure every moment spent camping out – something I loathe with a fiery passion- would be worth it in the end.
Visit all 50 States of the U.S
I love road trips. I kid you not. There’s nothing more satisfying than rolling down the window, turning up the music and just driving off into the unknown during the summer. One of my favorite memories of the first time I ever decided to go overseas by myself. I decided to head to the States and road trip around California. I had planned on short trip that lasted a little longer. I spent the first three months travelling around California by car, bus, train- any mode of transportation I could get before eventually settling in San Francisco and Los Angeles. It was a blast – an unforgettable journey, with memories that still make me want to laugh, cry or smirk.
Since then I’ve been to Nevada, Texas, New York and a few other wonderful places but my idea of heaven would be to travel right throughout the states either on one large road trip or a little at a time.
I managed to cover a lot of them last year. I think I must have visited about 20+ states and had the time of my life doing so. I can’t wait to see more. I foresee a lot of road trips once I make the permanent move to the States.
Establish myself as a Photographer
I love photography. I have since I was little and rarely remember a time when I didn’t have a camera of some sorts in my hand. I currently own 7 and just ordered my first professional camera- a Canon EOS 1000D with three extra lenses. It cost a pretty penny, but it is going to be worth it if I can establish myself as a photographer.
I’ve always loved being behind a camera more than I’ve liked being in front of one. Photography triggers so much emotion in me. Maybe it’s my eye as an artist that allows me to see so many things differently- not just as a writer but as a photographer.
I’ve been lucky enough to be published in a couple of coffee table books as well as in Aqua Pulse but I want to really build a photography folio. Luckily I have friends and family who allow me to play with them- be warned friends I plan on playing a lot more once I get my new camera.
One of my biggest dreams is to make a name for myself in photography as well as writing. Not just to have something to fall back on but because it is a genuine pleasure of mine.
It’s just one more profession I’d like to play with before I die, I guess.
Start My Own Business and Establish it
This has sorted of already been started in some form. In 2009 Muses II Media was formed with a fellow writer and friend Melissa. We’re not sure where we want to take it, but I know whatever we decide to do would be brilliant. We just need to get our acts together. Lately, the only thing that has consumed me has been writing Nowhere to Run and getting my new blog facingtheanimal up and running.
2010 shall be our year to kick some serious ass in every direction.
Learn How To Love Myself
This is probably one of the most important aspects of the list and the one I have failed to achieve on so many different levels.
I’m self-destructive, have a self-loathing that is legendary to most of my friends and my biggest critics but I’ve decided that now is the time to make changes to my life and learn how to love myself. I’ve always believed that if I can’t love myself than how could anyone else?
It’s a question I still ponder.
So, those are the top ten of my bucket list of what I want to do before I do. My challenge to all you fine folk is to work out what your top ten bucket items are and why?
It could be that you want to get married, become a parent or want to travel to Atlantis or the end of the earth.
Drop me a line and let me know.
Tags: traveling
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- Posted under novel, Personal, photography, ponderings
December 11, 2010 Reflections of a World Traveller
I recently went through what my family like to call a crisis of sorts. I decided after working in the same job for three and a half years – a record for anyone who knows me- I was going to quit and go overseas. Actually, I had always planned on going overseas. I had planned on heading to the States and travelling with a friend, but she bailed due to her work stating no she could not go off and play in the sun and I decided to do it anyway.
I will tell you one thing though – when I decide to do something I jump in with both feet. Instead of just going overseas for a brief two weeks, I decided to travel the world for three months. I handed in my notice, booked my flight to London and prepared myself for the worst and the best time of my life. I wasn’t sure which one it would be but it was going to be a learning curve for me. Originally I could not decide whether I wanted to go back to the US and just play in the sun or whether I would want to go to Europe.
Remember how I said when I do things I do it with style? I decided after a brief moment of insanity to do both. I would go to Europe for seven weeks and then I would fly to Los Angeles and spend another nine weeks there. And that’s what I did.
It was everything I expected it to be and so much more. Travelling alone is scary at the best of times but travelling the world alone – with no purpose other than to see as many countries as possible and explore the cultures is even scarier. With the help of my travel agent, I had a clear idea of where in Europe I wanted to go and for how long. The U.S was a whole different trip altogether. Firstly, I was seeing it as a frequent tripper but also with a. American boy I was in a relationship with – so not so alone.
I learnt a lot during the three months away. There were some great things I learnt about myself and some not so great things. The funny thing is that when I decided to scoot off overseas in what turned out to be one of Melbourne’s worst winters, I didn’t realise why I was taking the trip. I was just tired. I was tired of the same ritualistic routine of my life. I was tired of who I was and who I aspired to be. I was tired of my family, my friends and more importantly I was tired of living within my shell.
So here’s what I learnt while I was seeing the world.
01. I can do anything I put my mind to
I used to believe that there were a lot of things that I could not do. I’m a fairly independent person, but there are times in my life when I tend to become a person crippled by lack of confidence and withdraw into my shell.
I realised that when you’re travelling the world by yourself, you have no one to count on but yourself. I managed to survive getting to London- which included a stopover in Bangkok and Frankfurt before I hit Heathrow. If you asked me to jump on a flight somewhere again, I would do it – and did do it, without blinking an eyelid. Heathrow and Frankfurt airports are two of the easiest airports to navigate if you ask me and I loved JFK and LAX simply because they are so manageable (Having said that I loathe LAX for their customs alone.)
I did so many things I never truly believed I would ever do or would have even thought twice of. I ate snails in Paris and climbed to the top of the Eiffel Tower. I Para-Glided 18,000 feet off a mountain in Austria- did I mention that I don’t like heights? I did everything I wanted to despite all my fears.
I managed to avoid getting mugged in Paris, and was in Barcelona celebrating in the streets with Spaniards when Spain won the world cup. I dodged gypsies from France to Italy and I saw some of the most amazing cities in the world while sweltering in 35+ heat each day.
I cried in the rain at the foot of the killing steps at Maut Hausen, Austria.
And I loved every minute of it, despite getting sick from Paris until I got to Croatia.
All I had to do? Tell myself that I could do it. Then take a deep breath, and jump feet first.
02. Family are everything
People who know me know that I have a love/hate relationship with my family. My sister and I can be in a room together for about an hour before we are at each other’s throats (although we have got better) and my brother and I don’t even speak. Don’t even get me started on the relationship that I have with my mother. But you know what? When you are a million miles from home, you forget all that. You remember all the good stuff that you see in them (even if most the time it is so little and very hard to see). My trip was a journey of re-discovery in some ways – making me realise that despite all the bitching and moaning I do about my family, I do truly love them.
Here’s the thing. You sometimes don’t realise it until it’s too late or in my case, almost too late. My mother and I rarely ever see eye to eye. In fact, we argue over some of the stupidest things – for example like this morning arguing over who bought a piece of fruit. But she’s my mother and I won’t let anyone else say anything bad about her because she’s mom. I almost lost her while I was in Europe. About seven days into my trip while travelling through France, I got a message from my dad stating that my mum had been in a car accident. She got hit by a driver while crossing the street on her way to work. He left her lying in the middle of the road – a hit and run. She ended up severely bruised and a broken shoulder. She can still barely lift her shoulder. If that was not bad enough, two days later she found out she had breast cancer and had to be immediately operated on. This I did not find out about until I was in the United States because they didn’t want to ruin my holiday. That’s my parents for you- they will criticize the hell out of me from the way I dress to my choice in careers but tell me that my mother has cancer and I should come home, nope they would rather I just enjoy my holiday. It’s a screwed up way of thinking but it’s the way they are and I love them for it.
That’s just the way my family are. As dysfunctional as hell but they’re still mine and while overseas I missed them like hell. I’m thinking now that I am back that I need to move overseas permanently because I’ve just rediscovered how much I loathe them 98% of the time. We always seem to love and respect each other more when we live in different time-zones.
03. Friends are your lifeline
I met some amazing girls and boys while I was overseas- none more than the special folks I met while I was in the United States. I love Americans. I have yet to come across one that I have disliked intensely because they seem to love Australians and New Zealanders. Seriously, we have the most atrocious accents in the world but Americans seem to love them. No matter where I went I was asked where I was from and as soon as I said Australia, it was just funny how much people lit up.
I spent a lot of time in the South while travelling through the States and I don’t think there is anything better than Southern hospitality and it is everywhere. We’re talking people I would consider friends for life because they were just amazing. I loved it. From the woman I met in New Orleans who took the time to tell me the best restaurants to experience real New Orleans cuisine to the guy who gave me a piggy-back in Tallahassee so I wouldn’t get my new shoes dirty in the rain.
But you know what? Whether I was tabletop dancing in Vegas (Which I did sober and not so sober), drinking Green Grenades in New Orleans (which I swear I will never do again but know I will if someone offers me one just because I am a sucker for punishment) or wandering the alleyways of Memphis (Awesome to do if you can find an alleyway blues band performing and not so awesome if it’s just a creepy old man taking a piss), the whole time I thought about how much I wished some of my girlfriends were with me.
I have some of the most amazing friends. They’re friends of the best kind. They know when you’re down and when you just need to cut loose. It’s funny because I’m not a girly girl and I never thought I would honestly say that my best friends were girls because I’ve always been a ‘one of the boys’ kind of girl but these girls are my girlfriends. Whether it’s the one girlfriend who would appreciate the history and beautiful that is Arlington Cemetery, the girlfriend who would get as stupidly drunk on Green Grenades as I did, the girlfriend who would stand with me outside the Lorraine Hotel and just soak in the impact of Martin Luther King Jr’s life and death and embrace everything that is Memphis, Tennessee or the girlfriend who would holler Yee Haw with me while standing on the state lines between Arkansas and Texas. They’re the kind of friends you know you’ve got for life because as different as they are from you, they’re still so much like you.
You don’t realise how much your friends mean to you until you’re a million miles away from them. You suddenly realise how important they are and how much of an impact they’ve had on your life and become such a part of who you are. I have one girlfriend who probably got so sick and tired of hearing from me while I was in Europe that I wouldn’t have been surprised if she turned off her phone. She didn’t incidentally but she was there for me when I was feeling down and a little alone in a foreign country, or when I was bored on a bus travelling to another spectacular country.
Despite the amazing people I met on the way, they don’t hold a candle on my real girlfriends –who know me as the anti-social, cynical, coffee junkie I am and accept me for me and will sit up with me until 3am talking about orgasms, vibrators, music, marriage and real life issues and men we should never ever date but probably will.
They’re the real thing.
04. Some places are better in your dreams than in reality and some places are better in reality than in your dreams
When I started planning my world trip I was excited about seeing so many different cities. Two of the places I couldn’t wait to see were Paris – the city of Romance and New Orleans- the city of Jazz. Sadly, they did not live up to my expectations.
Don’t get me wrong, I had fun in Paris but after four days of Museums, sight-seeing and being harassed by gypsies, peddlers and dealing with rude Parisians I was really, really glad to leave. Paris is a gorgeous city. I got to eat snails. I fell in love with the view of the Eiffel Tower but I wasn’t in love with the idea of Paris as much as I was when I first thought of going there. It was okay but I know I could do without it the next time I visit France. It just wasn’t for me. Don’t ask me how I can explain it more, but I can’t. I just didn’t get excited about it as much as I thought I would.
Another place that really disappointed me was New Orleans. New Orleans was a major part of my reasons for returning to the States. I could not wait to see it. I loved the idea that was Bourbon Street. I’m not saying that there were not some wonderful things about New Orleans. I had one of the best meals of all-time in a restaurant just off Bourbon Street. The people of New Orleans are amazing. I had a lot of fun drinking and dancing- as well as not so much fun throwing up in the bathroom after drinking half a Green Grenade. But I didn’t feel like I thought I would. Bourbon Street, the first night was fun. The second night I saw it through sober eyes and it came across as sleazy. I was disappointed and I suppose I elevated it to something that it may not have been.
In saying that, Memphis blew my mind. So did Nashville. In fact any part of Tennessee was awesome. I love that State so much. It’s a great place to visit and an even better place to live, I hear. The same can be said for Texas and if we’re going back to Europe, then anyone who visits France has to go to Nice- it’s bohemian, it’s relaxed and it’s so very much the opposite of Paris. I fell in love with Nice and automatically ticked it as a place I want to buy a house once I am a rich and famous author.
One place that really surprised me was Croatia. I fell in love with it through and through. One of my girlfriends Michelle (Yes one of my awesome foursome) had mentioned how she had fallen in love with it and I had pretty much been sure she was crazy until I arrived and fell in love with it on sight. It’s hard to explain. Apart from the amazingly friendly people and gorgeous views there is just something magical about Dubrovnik and Split. Dubrovnik is one of the places in Europe I would really push people to visit. Despite everything that happened with Bree Lapthorne, I found it safe and was completely comfortable the whole time I was there. I think the best advice I could give is to stay within the city walls and you’ll be safe and fine. It’s definitely a place to go and is already one of the hottest tourist spots of Europe. Photographically it’s also stunning.
I guess the thing is that with some places, it’s better to keep them in your dreams than in reality and some places are better in reality than they are in dreams. Even while saying that I’m planning on giving New Orleans another go just to make sure it wasn’t my having a huge hangover and it being threatened to be hit with Tornados that didn’t make the trip so great. I don’t plan on extending the same hand to Paris though.
05. There’s no going back
I would love to tell you that after three months of travelling the world that there is no place like home. The truth is one thing I did learn about myself is that only do I love travelling but I love being in different cities. I love the excitement of picking up and leaving town and going somewhere new. No, scratch that. It was not just seeing new places that excited me. It was the journey itself. I loved stopping at random places during the trip whether it was just to see the famous Route 66 or just Wal-Mart. I had a lot of fun doing it.
I’ve always loved road trips of any sort and I guess this was one long kick-ass road trip but it taught me one thing. I am not the kind of girl to stay in one place for too long. In truth, I think I’ve always known this. I’ve moved more times than I can recall, lived in three different countries in my 30 years and while most people were excited about coming home, I dreaded it. Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t wait to see my friends and family. That was exciting but I didn’t really want to home- maybe because, to me, it’s never been home. In fact, if I could I would hop on a plane and hit the road all over again. But this time I would change it, and just not come back. It’s just me. It’s in my nature. I’m not really a settle down and develop roots kind of girl.
Coming home was actually really tough. Firstly I was leaving a very cute boy behind but secondly, it just didn’t feel right. I’ve known for a long time that this is longer home for me. In fact, it probably never really was but I squashed the feelings inside. If anything, this made me open up my eyes and realise that it’s not just a random thought but a reality. Home is where the heart is and my heart had never truly been here.
The truth is that after travelling for three months there’s no going back.
I wish I could say I am the same person I was when I first stepped on that plane to London but I’m not. I’ll never be the girl I was before. It’s not just because I am an experienced world traveller (Yes, that makes me crack up with insane laughter too) but because while I was trying to find myself, I found out I don’t quite know who I am or what I am capable of doing. I just know that what I had been doing is not it and where I am currently at, does not feel right. It’s not home.
Does it make me regret taking off and seeing the world? Not one chance in hell. Did I learn more about myself than I expected to learn? Yes, I did- as I said earlier in some good ways and in some bad ways. Would I do it again? Absolutely.
If anything, it’s made me realise to live the kind of lifestyle I want to live where I am constantly travelling and exploring the world, I need to go forward with my dreams. If anything, it’s made me realise that the hunger inside is stronger than ever.
That realisation alone makes this journey of self-discovery even more special.
Tags: Croatia, Dubrovnik, europe, France, Memphis, Nashville, New Orleans, Nice, reflections, Split, Texas, The United States, traveling
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- Posted under Personal, The Muse Speaks
November 3, 2010 Nanowrimo
The last few days have been crazy. I’ve started writing my novel again, as well as writing a new novel tentatively titled ‘A Million to One’ or ‘Live and Let Die’. I haven’t decided yet. The new novel is part of Nanowrimo – for those who don’t know what Nanowrimo is it’s a writing challenge to write 50,000 words during the month of November. (Check it out for yourself at www.nanowrimo.org)
I love Nanowrimo. It’s a great way to meet other writers, get involved in writing challenge and word wars and also a fantastic motivator to just simply write.
It’s motivated me to get back to writing Nowhere to Run, and in the past two days I’ve settled into the writing mode, ignoring my friends calls and family’s ranting and just written.
I also finally got around to writing a rough version of the sypnosis for Nowhere to Run and here it is:
Synopsis: Nowhere to RunA Dominatrix is murdered – her body positioned to show Dominance.
A Hollywood actress is found dead in clear view of the Hollywood sign.
Both women were raped, murdered and their throats slit.
Criminal Reporter, Stephanie Carovella, swore she would never return to Los Angeles after the death of her husband. But when her best friend is murdered, her ex boyfriend Jesse Carlisle begs her to return.
Determined to find out what happened to Angel Monroe, her return triggers a spate of murders where the common dominator is Stephanie herself.
It’s a game of cat and mouse, as Stephanie races to find this serial killer before she becomes his next victim.
Tags: nanowrimo, nowhere to run, writing
June 23, 2010 The trials and tribulations of packing
I hate packing for vacations. It’s rather ironic since I’m exceptionally good at packing up house (I should be I’ve lived in three different countries, and countless small towns I’d rather forget than remember) but packing for a vacation, nope lousy.
Is it a girl thing? I don’t know about you but I find guys always seem to fit more in their suitcase and it usually doesn’t resemble everything but the kitchen sink.
I swore this time would be different. I would pack as little as possible and say to hell with it. If I need more clothes, I’ll just buy them I rationalized. So, can someone please explain to me why my suitcase ended up being over 20kgs (the standard limit for travelling overseas).
I know they tell you to pack light but um, hello I’m a girl. Girls don’t pack light. They come with makeup, hair curlers, heels and other bits and pieces that will make any guy cringe. I wish I could do the guy thing and just throw some jeans and a couple of spare t-shirts into a backpack and say yup, I’m done. But it just isn’t me.
It’s not that I am exceptionally girly girl. I don’t do the hair curlers. I barely see the point of makeup on a trip and I’m bound to just sweat it off anyway. My problem is I like to be prepared.
I blame my mother for this. It was always her motto – better to be prepared than not. Which explains why I have a sewing kit, I will never use. I actually don’t sew. I told you I’m not a girly girl. But hey maybe I’ll start on this trip, right? Yeah, sure and pigs also will fly.
I also packed a torch and a first aid kit just in case I injure myself and consider the fact I like to trip and fall as much as possible, there is that possibility.
I actually tricked myself into believing that I really didn’t have that much and my suitcase wouldn’t be all that heavy. Like I said it was 21 kgs. I’ve rationalized that 2kg of that is my sleeping bag and another 1.5 kg the day bag I plan on carrying around. I managed to cut the load down by taking out the handbag, which I will now be carrying on the plane with me. Like I don’t have enough crap to carry on board with me including my laptop and backpack.
But then I also tricked myself into believing that this wouldn’t be a working holiday of sorts. Yeah and how about those pigs again? Like I was ever going to leave my laptop behind. I don’t know what part of my brain jokingly believed that I would actually switch off and take a real vacation because the dominant part of my brain is literally salivating over the travel articles I can write and the photos I can take to go along with said articles.
One of the hardest things about packing for a trip is knowing what to pack. For instance, I’m going in the middle of summer but London’s idea of summer is not exactly the same as say Spain or Greece’s. I’m also heading to the Swiss Alps, which needless to say is high up and bound to be slightly chilly.
Then you need to contemplate the nights you go out- what are you going to wear. Do you dress it up or keep it casual? Is it going to be a tourist jaunt or are you going to be hitting the clubs. In my case, it’s going to be a mixture of both, which again is why my suitcase is buckling at the seams.
Another problem is trying to fit everything in said suitcase. Some people say that the best thing to do is roll your clothes and then put lucky bands around them. It keeps the clothes tightly bound and seemingly small. Sure that may work for some, but I tried that and it just left my clothes creased. I also tried folding my clothes and in the end worked out the best solution for me. Laying the clothes flat in the suitcase actually worked the best. Now, this doesn’t mean that this will work well for others, but I’ve found that it leaves your clothes less wrinkled. The only problem you have is that if you are looking for clothes, eventually you’re going to be pulling everything out to find the outfit that you placed right at the bottom. I figure I’ll get to that issue when I come to it though.
Packing to the excess works for some- especially if you don’t know when you’re going to find laundry facilities and for others packing lightly and buying as you go is the best approach. My philosophy so far is pack as much as I can, buy heaps and send even more home by sea-mail.
Did I mention I’m lousy with packing suitcases?
One thing I have learnt about travelling is to leave all expensive jewelry at home, which is why the platinum diamond and cognac ring my boyfriend bought me has come off my finger and back into the jewelry box. The only jewelry I plan on wearing is a pair of bangles that I never take off, my Ankh and St Christopher. As much as I’d love to wear my day jewelry, while it looks great on me it is also a thief’s best friend.
To be honest, the only real expensive thing I am taking is my camera. It’s my pride and joy and a professional camera. I’m hoping to hell it won’t get stolen while overseas, but just in case it is I’m going to be prepared and will take my small digital camera as well.
Having managed to get the suitcase down to the correct 20kgs, I have zipped it up and don’t plan on fitting anything else in or taking anything else out. It’s ready for next Wednesday when I board the flight for London.
So, is it next Wednesday yet?
Tags: europe, personal, ponderings, The Muse Speaks, travel
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June 23, 2010 Bad Hair Day
With her blonde hair tied back in a ponytail and dressed in a chic business suit that reeks of Chapel Street, Cassandra Evans looks every bit the successful lawyer that she is.
But as she takes her hair out of her ponytail, it’s obvious that things aren’t quite what they seem. Forget the blonde tumbling mane men often fantasise about. Instead Cassandra’s hair is thinner than most, strands are brittle, and bald patches that were covered up by the ponytail are now evident.
She doesn’t however have Alopeccia, the medical condition that causes sudden hair loss from shock, stress or hormonal balances.
Cassandra has something completely different, something that has caused her to pull out her own hair. She has Trichotillomania or TTM as it’s often called, and she’s not alone. Millions of people all over the world suffer from Trichotillomania, although it is mainly females that suffer from this condition.
Many may be asking right now Tricho what? Deriving from the Greek word Trich (hair) Tillein (to pull) and maniaor frenzy (morbid desire). Trichotillomania is a condition not unknown to doctors. Unfortunately it is one of very little understanding.
Its main characteristic is the compulsive urge to pull one’s hair out, with then an experience of released tension and relief after this is done. Sometimes people even express a degree of pleasure after having performed the act.
It tends to usually start at around five to eight years of age. Although it affects both males and females, by the teenage years and particularly among adults, more women appear to have this disorder, as boys tend to change their behaviour upon adolescence.
There is a ratio of five to ten women to every man. But these figures maybe distorted due to the fact fewer men seek help, and natural balding can disguise hair pulling in men.
Cassandra, herself started pulling out her hair as a child, but it wasn’t until her teen years that her condition got worse.
“I can recall twirling my mother’s hair when I was a baby, and then my own. I think I was about seven when I actually started to pull out my hair. At first it wasn’t a big deal, and I’d just sit there watching television and pulling,” She says.
“But then it became a habit, and when I got into my teens years it got worse. As the pressures of school and just being a teenager increased I’d lock myself in my room, and pull away. I started doing it while I was reading, then before I fell asleep at night. Almost as if it was a source of comfort.”
Although there are only one to two percent of the world’s population that are officially diagnosed with Trichotillomania, the stigma and shame associated with it suggests that an estimated two to three percent more suffer in silence. Widespread ignorance or misinformation about this disorder-even among Professionals often compounds this.
Shame is something that Cassandra can relate to. More often than not she suffered in silence, hiding her hair pulling from her parents. “My mum used scream at me to stop pulling my hair, so I used to hide it by scooping up the hair once I’d pulled it out and either throwing it away or hiding it under my pillow. I was ashamed of what I’d done, as if I was a naughty child doing something wrong.” She says.
One of the many misconceptions about Trichotillomania is that it is tended to consider it an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). While it may have some aspects of an OCD, such as the compulsion to pull, those who do it can not be considered obsessive. It is actually more of an impulse control disorder as are conditions such as compulsive gambling, kleptomania and pyromania.
There is also a tendency among non-Trich sufferers to minimise the problem, particularly among physicians and parents of child hair-pullers. Lack of information and the perception of it being merely a ‘phase she or he will grow out of’ leads to the false impression that Trichotillomania is something that people engage in from time to time.
Margaret Evans, Cassandra’s mother willingly admits that she never understood what her daughter was going through, or even knew that there was a name for it.
“I honestly thought it was something that she would grow out of, that it was no big deal. If I had known that her twirling her hair when she was little would turn into Trichotillomania I would have broken the habit immediately.”
It’s easy to see that Margaret seems to blame herself for Cassandra’s disorder. “How was I to know that she had Trichotillomania? We didn’t even know there was name for her problem until she was about 20. I’d never heard of it, or even heard it spoken of. If I had known it was a disorder perhaps I would have been a little more understanding. But it wasn’t heard of. And it needs to be. Parents need to be made aware of the disorder, and be prepared to deal with the emotional roller-coaster that can come with it. They need to know it’s not something that their child is going to just grow out of.”
According to Dr Catherine Madigan of Anxiety Australia Trich sufferers can not control the impulse to pull out their hair. It can occur in states of relaxation such as watching television, where they are not even aware of their behaviour or in times of stress where hair pulling serves as a release of tension.
However severe, repetitive hair pulling, on a daily basis leads to significant hair loss and potential skin damage.
“Trichotillomania is often associated with depression, lack of impulse control, or a habit disorder and may be precipitated by a stressful event such as a parental divorce, death of a relative or something as simple as studying for a test,“ says Madigan.
“The disorder can also lead to low self-esteem, social insecurities, and even severe depression.”
Dr Madigan is quick to point out that it is unusual for Trich sufferers to be open about their disorder because of the obvious hair loss, and the stigma that is considered abnormal behaviour not only by themselves but by society. She adds that Trichotillomania is very similar to other psychological problems with respect to the silence and social stigma.
“For young adolescents already dealing with peer and social pressures and the normal turbulence of being a teenager, coping with a seemingly uncontrollable ‘weird’ behaviour all by themselves, while attempting to hide it from everyone else, including their family, can be particularly hard.”
Trich sufferers find it hard to deal with some aspects of society. They are so ashamed of their condition that everyday life aspects such as going shopping or even to the hairdressers becomes a burden they are unwilling to face.
“It’s not as if I don’t want to go to the hairdressers, but I’m almost scared to,” Cassandra says, adding, “I find when I do go to the hairdressers they have no idea what TTM is. Not only that but they tend to give me a look of sympathy. I don’t want anyone’s pity. I want them to understand Trichotillomania, and accept it. I don’t want to be treated like a social outcast.”
One of the sad aspects of Trichotillomania is that many of those that suffer from it are unaware that they even have the condition. It is a disorder that is not highly publicised, and it wasn’t until 1989 that it was even mentioned in the media. As a result many Trich sufferers have gone without adequate information about their condition, and some aren’t even aware that there is treatment for it. As a consequence the one symptom Trich sufferers share is shame.
Research into treatment for Trichotillomania has grown steadily over the past ten years. Although there is no treatment that is more effective than the other, with people reacting to treatment differently, a number of those treatment options have shown promise to people with TTM.
These treatments include Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, Pharmaceutical Therapy, Support groups and Alternative Therapy.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a form of therapy that seeks to alter a Trich sufferer’s behaviour by identifying the precise factors that trigger their hair pulling and teaches those who suffer from it learning skills to interrupt and redirect responses to those triggers.
Dr Neomie Da Costa, a therapist specialising in Trichotillomania and a sufferer herself who has been ‘pull-free’ for three years believes strongly in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. She has used it herself, and beaten TTM because of it.
“Cognitive Behaviour Therapy encourages hair pullers to develop an increased awareness of the time of day it occurs, their emotional states, and other factors that might promote hair pulling. It’s an important precursor in being able to control the Trich sufferer’s behaviour,” She says.
Some hair pullers have success with simple behavioural devices such as putting bandages on their fingers to interfere with pulling, keeping records of their hair pulling, or changing environmental cues that can trigger pulling.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a fairly popular way to beat Trichotillomania, and it means that Trich sufferers are not being pressured to take medication for their condition.
When Trichotillomania first was diagnosed medication seemed the only alternative for sufferers, and it is still one that is offered to those who don’t believe that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy will help them.
A number of medications have in fact shown promise in reducing the severity of TTM symptoms. Unfortunately most of them fall under the category of selective Serotinin Reuptake Inhabitors (SSRIs), the most commonly known of this is Prozac.
Dr Da Costa believes that this can be a dangerous way to deal with TTM, and underlines that the effectiveness of these drugs for hair pulling is not always successful.
“Only a small percentage of people find that these drugs stop hair-pulling completely, while others feel no effect at all. Another problem is that taken for a long period of time these drugs can become an addiction.”
Another alternative to beating Trichotillomania is with support groups. Many hair pullers not only feel shame at what they are doing, but feel alone. Hiding their condition can make it harder to focus on ways to reduce pulling and even beating it. Joining a support group can help them to erase shame and makes people with Trichotillomania feel ‘normal’ again. Many of the support groups are online, as it adds an anonymity to those who wish it and gives Trich sufferers a sense of comfort in being able to talk to others from their own personal space.
Another alternative to those who don’t feel comfortable with support groups, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or using Pharmaceutical medicines is always the alternative of using alternative therapies.
Dr Da Costa says of alternative therapies “There have been reports that several therapies such as hypnosis, biofeedback or even just changing your diet and exercising can be helpful to some sufferers.”
Beating Trichotillomania is not easy and even harder when dealing with the stigmas dealt to them by society.
Dr Da Costa says she knows of one young girl that suffers from Trichotillomania, but her parents refuse to believe that her baldness is caused through hair pulling.
“She’s admitted to me that she pulls her hair, but her parent’s can’t accept it. I explained the situation to them, and they stood up and walked out in complete denial. This means that this young girl is going to have to go through this alone. And that’s not right.”
More often than not those who stop pulling hair will eventually resume it.
Cassandra thought she had completely beaten the disorder after not pulling her hair for a year, but only recently started up again.
“I tried honestly to stop, but found myself doing it again. But I’m determined to beat this. I will beat this.”
Tags: Feature Article, Health, Journalism, trichotillomania, TTM
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June 22, 2010 A Lover Lost…
A lover lost
I still remember the phone call
That took you away from me.
A car accident
A drunk driver who didn’t see you
Internal bleeding
Hearts broken
While you lay bleeding on a busy L.A Highway
I lay sleeping a million miles away
While your life was flashing before your eyes
My dreams were filled with the unforeseen future.
Your best friend held your hand in that lonely hospital room
As he watched your life slipping away
The helplessness and anger he felt
Mirrored in my own reaction when I got the call.
I would have travelled halfway around the world
Just to have seen you that one last time
But it was an impossibility, as you slipped away into the night.
As I look back on our times together
I wonder would you be dead
If we hadn’t parted ways
If our dreams hadn’t been shattered
Would you be here right now with me?
You were a part of my past
Once my lover, my best friend and my whole life
We thought we could conquer the world
That we were invincible
We thought wrong.
Tags: personal, poetry, ponderings, The Muse Speaks
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June 21, 2010 Top Ten Songs that should have never been covered…but were.
Top Ten Songs that should have never been covered…but were.
I recently had to review the new Miley Cyrus album, Can’t Be Tamed. It was always going to be a cringe-worthy affair but I was prepared to lay my revulsion aside and give it the fair and decent review it deserved. That was until I heard her cover of Poison’s Every Rose Has Its Thorn. Now Ms Cyrus is renown for destroying songs (See her version of Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Want To Have Fun for example).
Not only did her version of Every Rose send a shudder down my spine, it also got me thinking.
There is no other form of flattery for a musician quite like another well-known (or in some cases not-so-well-known) musician covering their tunes.
You name an artist of today and yesterday and they have probably paid tribute to their own favourite musician- whether it’s been through a tribute album, a live ‘cover’ or a ‘cover’ they’ve released on their own album.
Hell, some musicians such as Michael Buble, Westlife and Jamie Cullum even make successful careers out of covering other musicians.
However, sometimes those forms of flattery end up being anything but. Instead those songs covered make all want to cringe in horror. The following are a list of songs that should never have been covered and unfortunately were:
01. American Pie.
Originally a hit song for Don McLean, Madonna took it upon herself to cover it in 2000 as a single for her film The Next Best Thing.
Although Madonna is, without a doubt, one of the greatest pop artists of all time, even her attempt to redo ‘American Pie’ was doomed to fail from the beginning.
Cringe-worthy at the least, she managed to turn a one of the greatest hits of all times into crap. The biggest problem I have with this is that it not only sounds badly out of tune, but Madonna fails to reach the important chords. The song was also culled in length, and switched from folk-rock to dance-pop, which completely destroys the song’s whole message.
In reality, Madonna should have changed the lyrics from ‘The day the music died’ to ‘The day she killed American Pie’.
02. These Boots Are Made For Walkin’
In 2005 two very, very bad things happened. They released the film version of the Dukes of Hazzard and Jessica Simpson took on These Boots Are Made For Walkin.
A hit for Nancy Sinatra, this is a song that has always been dear to my heart. For me it represents a song about a cheating boyfriend, independence, strength and power.
In one fell swoop, Jessica Simpson almost managed to undo everything that Nancy Sinatra sung about. While her version was updated to incorporate her role as Daisy Duke, and became one of her biggest hits, it pretty much undid everything that the song represented.
Simpson’s breathy vocals, and lyrics (oddly enough written by her) make the song sound risqué, and throw in an equally bad videoclip that shows Simpson in a skimpy bikini, and grinding wet against the General Lee.
From start to finish, the song’s ideals are completely stripped away to be about her showing off her rack, and oozing of sex.
Jessica, Jessica, Jessica…God forbid if you shall ever destroy another classic.
03. Faith
In 1997, Nu Metal band, Limp Bizkit took it upon themselves to cover George Michael’s classic, ‘Faith’.
While it may have been a number one hit for George Michael, and kicked off the beginning of a very successful solo career, it was a bad move by Limp Bizkit.
Appearing on Limp Bizkit’s ‘Three Dollar Bill Y’All’, the first few lines start well. You almost have yourself believing that maybe, just maybe, Fred Durst will not destroy this song. But that’s wishful thinking.
The song becomes into a scream-fest, as Durst manages to rain havoc on ‘Faith’ pretty much in the same way he destroyed The Who’s ‘Behind Blue Eyes.
Here’s hoping that Fred Durst sticks to singing his own stuff, and doesn’t destroy anymore classics. But that’s about as likely as Jessica Simpson not releasing another cover.
04. Leader of The Pack-Twisted Sister
Let me guess you’re thinking right about now…oh no they didn’t! Oh yes they did, and very badly. Twisted Sister had this ingenious idea to cover The Shangri- Las. Now Dee Snider and the boys are comical at the best of times, but they’re downright hilarious on this cover.
I have to confess it’s so bad that I have it on my I-pod simply because it’s pick-me-up music when I really need to laugh.
Why is it so bad? Apart from the fact it’s Twisted Sister covering it? Actually perhaps the song wouldn’t have been so bad if it was just Dee Snider singing it without the rest of Twisted Sister singing backup. Unfortunately they didn’t think of it and it resulted in one of the worst covers I have ever heard.
If you haven’t heard it, you need to have a listen. It’s pretty much explains itself.
05. We Will Rock You
There are actually two bands that covered this, and shouldn’t have. First up is 80’s hair band Warrant. I grew up on their music and still love their album Cherry Pie, but come on- trying to do Freddie Mercury? I don’t think so, Jani Lane.
But hell, even that version is better than that by, boyband wanna-be’s, 5ive. If 5ive thought by using Queen members that this would become a great cover, then they were dead wrong. The only thing that makes this actually bearable is that the musically is essentially an updated of version. What makes it unbearable is the singing. Freddie Mercury had to wondering what the hell Queen was thinking when they allowed this brilliant song to be trashed.
But then it could have been worse. They could have covered Bohemian Rhapsody.
06. Sweet Child o Mine
I’m a big fan of Sheryl Crow, and consider her a talented artist. But seriously what was she thinking doing a folk/country version of Guns n Roses ‘Sweet Child O Mine’. Although you have to admit her voice is lush, and soothing compared to Axl’s whiny voice, that doesn’t change the fact that Crow absolutely destroys this song. What was once a ballsy ballad is turned into a limp, pathetic excuse for a song.
07. I Love Rock n Roll
Britney covering Joan Jett. Oh dear. It was bad enough when she covered The Stones classic ‘Satisfaction’ but then she had to go and cover this version.
No matter how many times I hear this song, it just does no justice to the original. Sure, I can tolerate and sometimes even find myself singing along…but it should never have happened. And to make it worse she didn’t just release one version of it but also a Karaeoke version.
Although in fairness to Brits, she did state that was attempting to make her version more like The Arrows and not Joan Jett’s version. But, it was Joan Jett’s cover that is cemented in most of music lover’s minds
08. Stairway To Heaven
Considered one of the greatest songs of all time, this has been covered a handful of times and each time it’s been a failure. None more a failure than by Rolf Harris and Dolly Parton.
We’ll start with Rolf Harris first. Although it’s without a doubt one of the worst covers that has ever been inflicted upon us, it still managed to be a hit for Rolf in the U.K.
I’m not sure whether it made it to #1 because Brits actually did like it or because they either have a great sense of humor and absolutely no taste. Whatever, the reason, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a bloody awful version. I can’t even begin to state the many things wrong with this version, except that it should never have happened.
The second is Dolly Parton’s version. Now it’s hard for me to say anything bad about Ms Parton. She is one talented woman, and a pioneer in country music. However, she should never have tried to take on Led Zep. And turning this kick-ass rock song into bluegrass? She was never going to do this song justice, and should have never tried.
09. Walk This Way
The Sugarbabes teamed up with Girls Aloud to cover Aerosmith’s ‘Walk This Way’. The first thing that comes to mind: What the hell were they thinking? The second: Have they HEARD the lyrics? It’s not exactly the sort of song you would expect two girl bands to sing, or even girls singing.
There are so many different reasons as to why these two bands doing Aerosmith is just so wrong.
10. Shook Me All Night Long
I’m still trying to decide whether Celine Dion’s version of this song is worse than Shania Twain’s cover of it. Either way both Shania Twain and Celine Dion manage to take one of my favourite AC/DC songs and rip the balls off it.
And changing the lyrics to ‘He was a fast machine” and ‘His American thighs”….could it have got any worse.
It’s enough to make you vomit.
I’m sure there are plenty more that could, would and should come to mind, but these are my top ten.
Got any you can think of?
Tags: The Muse Speaks, The Top Ten
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